Facing Doubt

“When I was twelve I closed my eyes and pictured what it would be like when I am thirty, and this is exactly what I saw: still good friends with the guys I grew up with; a beautiful girlfriend I want to spend my life with; a stable job.” Zach Braff’s character said in the beginning of the movie The Last Kiss (he was JD in Scrubs). If you have to live as an adult, this is how it should to be, right? He paused and couldn’t answer that question, “I just have been thinking about life lately and everything seems pretty planned out…and no more surprises.” As he turns 30, everything begins to seem…so “final”.

As I was watching the movie with 2pac in my room, inside of my head went KABOOM! I freaked out. I don’t want to be like that! 20 years later wondering why didn’t I do something exciting with my life?!

Going into 2007, I know exactly what I have to do, but I have never been more uncertain about everything than at this juncture of my life. 2006 was full of exhilarating moments, some happier than others, but all breathtaking nonetheless. The scholarship, spring break in Miami, summer in Greece, the tormenting MCAT, turning 21, and then grand finale in China. Everything was a swirl and I was swept off of my feet! Coming back from abroad, I thought I was going to get ready for 2007 with so much enthusiasm as I do each year. I am usually really happy around New Year’s but this year I am stricken with anguish. It’s sad to think that Miami, Greece and China were THE adventures of my lifetime, THE risks I’ve taken, THE young and wild things I’ve done. Now they are over, I am back to working on a mapped out life, no more happy-go-lucky days. I know once I start med school, I’d be tied down to it like it owns me. I am feeling what Zach Braff’s character is feeling: everything seems so final. Why am I doing this? Why am I making such a huge commitment? Everybody else is still out there figuring things out, free as a bird, and falling in love with whatever road they are on at the moment. Is med school worth the while? I had a glimpse of what it feels like to live free-spiritedly, now I don’t want to go back to a life of mundane work. How depressing! I am not done with having fun yet!

WAIT A MINUTE! R-e-w-i-n-d! Let’s go through 2006 again. How hard have I worked for those things? Hah! I can’t even count the months. It’s just that all of my efforts paid off in 2006. It took double and triple the number of hours of work to earn those carefree ones. New Year’s resolution? I sure will bury my head in work five days a week but damn right I am going to have a grand time on the weekends! It’s time to do things that my older and wiser self in 5 years would probably say, “Hell, I don’t know if I can do that again!?” Like surviving nightlife of Miami under the influence of benadryl, going to Greece right before MCAT and going to Propaganda within 6 hours of landing in Beijing. I am still determined to go to med school, but who says I can’t work hard and play harder?

I continue have many doubts in my head, about myself, about my future and about the world. But taking it one step at a time, it isn't so bad. What’s the next stop? Wherever my imagination takes me. Happiness is a way of travel, not destination, right? A million travel ideas are already running through my head, starting with New Year’s Eve in the Big Apple! So all you wild ones out there, join me and have a blast in 2007!

p.s. The Last Kiss starring Zach Braff and Rachel Bilson was a good movie with such an awesome soundtrack! (Snow Patrol Chocolate, Coldplay Warning Sign, Cary Brothers Ride, Ray LaMontagne Hold You in My Arms, last but the best, Schuyler Fisk Paperweight :-). For some random reason I am hooked on soft rock music now.